I was going through forumias pages. There was a thread by a fellow aspirant named “ENDGAME. Whatever it Takes!!!”.
He has described his attempts and how he is determined to give his best this year. Reading through his write up, I felt a deja vu. We do different things, seek motivation from different sources, persons etc to find a way to stay motivated through this gruesome journey. I wanted to highlight one important point that your pain is your biggest motivator. Some people can relate with it, especially those who have given many attempts.
This is what I wrote as a reply on that forum thread, produced verbatim:
User: Sleeping warrior writes:
My UPSC journey has been soul-sapping, non-recognising, cruel, non-appreciative and buried deeply in a cascade of bad luck. But, I don’t have any regrets for the choices I made since it was based on free-will. When I look back, the dots somehow do not connect. Maybe one more attempt might somehow make sense is what my rational (irrational) mind convinces. I might be far from the truth. I am sure many of the aspirants are caught up in the fight between reality (minimum govt maximum governance) and illusion (one candidate, one seat). Amidst the political upheaval, diminishing hairline, deteriorating health, excruciating sacrifices, isolation, and most importantly lost time and depleting willpower what choices do we have?
Well, we do. But, the question is, are we making the right choices?
In my opinion, the best choice is to convince your mind and heart of this to be your last attempt. Your best attempt instead. It’s the ENDGAME fellas. Like the Avengers going all out against Thanos (presumably), we also have a similar opportunity to avenge for what has been taken from us in due course. It is going to be my last attempt, and I will make sure every bit of pain and suffering inflicted upon me will be worth it. But, I can’t do it alone. I need your help. Instead, we as a TEAM can scale heights unscaled until now. The most feasible way is to record the hours of quality study and maintain an index of your performance.
My reply:
@sleepingwarrior Reading this makes me proud of the people like you. You are what makes an aspirant a true philosopher.
I see you are in pain and belive me this pain is going to be your biggest weapon. Today, standing on the other side of the line I feel thankful to the pain I had. After CSE2017 crash out I never let that feeling go away: that how I felt, how it made me feel, how much it shattered my own personal being, my own very existence ( I know some people cannot associate with this, especially those who make it in 1st or 2nd attempt). It was not only about UPSC, it was not only to prove something, it was also a promise to myself: that you mean something, that you have something, and that it was not all for nothing.
I just waded through pain, pushed the boundaries, wrote 2 tests in single days many times( I had backlogs due to my field duty).
“It has to be done…karna hai to karna hai…What do we say to the god of death…Not today(Arya/GoT).. Remember that day…Do you want to repeat that(CSE16&CSE17 results declaration days..It’s all gonna end someday….Just few more minutes buddy…”
These were just some random thoughts which used to run consciously/sub-consciously during that time, especially during answer writings. You see, I never let that pain go away. I made it my guide, my constant motivator, my best friend.
Now, today after all the post selection rituals (celebration, felicitations, meeting with unknown relatives etc) whenever I find myself alone and in peace with myself, I find a sense of gratitude to that pain I had. I miss the person I used to be who used to carry that pain.
So what I want to say to you is this: It is absolutely normal what you feel and it is very right to have that maniac mentality, that brutal commitment, that self promise to trample the things which demean you in the first place.
Own your pain, wade through it. It will one day give you what you ever wanted.